I confess - doing "whatever it takes" is costly.

08/29/21 @ Andretti Buford (rolls eyes) 

7:05pm 

Ok, I think I’ve come to a very unique conclusion that I do not like feeling uncomfortable. Yes, I know being uncomfortable is not a “feeling” anybody likes...it just truly rubs me the wrong way. I know there’s a certain crushing that happens when you are growing in Christ but this just feels different. I dislike this feeling because my feelings often lie to me. Being uncomfortable is not painful, it's just annoying. It’s annoying because my discomfort seems to always come from how people or someone is treating me. I am a fair person, I appreciate honesty, I honor loyalty, and I do my best to treat people how I hope to be treated. Why is everyone ok with getting paid to work in a dysfunctional work environment? Why is dysfunction normal? I want to be “well” while working - that cannot be abrasive to ask for. I want to work in a healthy environment so that I can produce more and be more effective in my job task. It’s no way that the only way to thrive in a healthy work environment is to work for yourself. I just don’t believe that. I won’t believe that. At this moment, I can only recall Jesus crying once in the Bible. But certainly he cried more, right? Or at least felt unhappy in times where he was only trying to do the right thing. IDK - It’s tough. I definitely don't want to be one of those people that quits every job just because I am uncomfortable or “unhappy”. Work ethics and work chemistry is just important to me. I enjoy "teamwork". So anything “off” just simply does not sit right with me. Unfortunately, a huge flaw of mine is feeling like someone is out to get me or make me look bad. It’s the worst feeling ever. And maybe it's me - I haven't made my bible reading time a priority. I can always tell because I’m more tired, or drained, or everything is happening to me instead of “happening for me” when I don’t make my relationship with God a priority. I have to work really hard to make spending time in his word a HABIT. Creating habits is a real thing and it’s challenging. But I guess breaking habits is just as challenging. I self reflect because it's the only way I can grip my life in the now, as it's happening. I have to talk about it, I have to say out loud what my fears are, I have to sit with my own possibilities, and I have to put my best foot forward after some time of pure silence has taken place. I thank God for my tears. God is really working on me. I feel compelled and I feel myself turning away from “old things” in the world. You know what I hope...what I want? I want to be a blessing to others! And I believe every good thing and every hardship I've experienced is building up my character so I can do and be just that for someone else. I want to be a blessing to others, and that requires what exactly? More patience? Tenacity? Money? Wisdom? Information? Honor? Compassion? What does it really take? There are so many words that describe being a blessing to someone else. So now that I know my heart’s true desire, I pray God reveals to me what shall I ask of thee. This is the priority - this alone inspires my why. 

With Love, 26 year old Malani.