I confess - life can be a drain.

03-11-2020

9:22pm 

Hello Journal, it’s been a long time since I’ve had time to write and boy so much has happened since my last entry. I still haven’t found a job. I’ve been without work since October, I broke up with my boyfriend, I “ran away from home” let my mama tell it. I have $8.00 in my Bank of America account and $25.00 in my Wells Fargo account thanks to my Bestfriend. Today was actually a good day. A true friend of mine (she’s like a sister to me) found her wedding dress today and I went with her to be a part of that very special process. I wish you all could’ve seen her dress; she was so happy. So happy she wanted to send a picture of her dress to her fiancé’. (Lol) I hope I have love like that one day. Love that’s just so fun and free it’s contagious. I want the kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat. The last few days, well weeks have been super tough for me and everyday I wake up trying to keep it all together. I miss not having a companion. Not sex, just decent conversation. Conversations that will make me think or inspire me to do something. I love talking and I love learning. (Clearly right?) I’m actually not having ANY sex in 2020 and I mean it. Three months in and I’m doing great so far. I’m trying to take full control of my actions and the choices I make. Obviously some days are better than others and some days I wish I would’ve been bold enough to stay in Jamaica or Africa when I went. America can make you feel that way sometimes, like you just want to leave and never come back. But running won’t solve my problems and I know that. I think about my future all the time. (Some would say too much.) Like what happens if I just give in to doubt and frustration and all these hardships…like what would life look for me? On the other hand, what happens if I just hold on, cry it out, write it out, drive it out, and just find some kind of joy in my storms. I get so tired of saying I’m “alright” or  “ok” or “good”, when I feel like complete shit. I’ve had some bad days and some tough weeks before, but I am at such a low point, it’s hard for me to even remember what peace feels like. My strength is strong but my crown has definitely fallen off and as I search for it I’ve worn myself out just trying to pick it back up again to wear. Have you ever been so stuck or out of sync that you just don’t see the “light at the end of the tunnel”? It’s almost like you don’t even recognize light anymore. But the sun will always reveal the real you…it sees exactly who you are. I’m in a funk right now and although it seems unshakable, I know I will not be here much longer. Somebody somewhere is praying for me and I am grateful because I am at a loss for words. After today, I just hope to get a peak of light so that I can keep going. If you’re reading this, you’re not alone. May peace and love be with me and you. 

Malani