I confess...this was my first real heartbreak.

08/09/21 

12:46pm Andretti Buford

Dear Daughters, 

Always I think of you. Today is my first day writing to you at my new job. Lol I know it seems like I’ve had a million jobs over the years and the truth is, I have. The other truth is that I’ve had a challenging time figuring it all out. It’s like one minute I know exactly what I want to do and the next I don't. But anyway, work has been pretty cool, no hassle and thus far I’ve enjoyed it. I’m not writing to you about work, I am actually writing to encourage you to always seek the greater good. Always look to LOVE people first...even when it's awkward. I want to tell you about this guy I met in college. I met him while I was at Hampton University; I was a sophomore at HU and he was a Senior in High School. We kept in touch throughout his college career at a University I won't name. This guy is actually a really good football player and sometimes I hear in his voice that he doesn’t even think he’s as good as he is. He has that kind of personality that draws you to him instantly. I know from experience. One late night phone call turned into days, which turned into months of us talking to each other...sometimes all day which turned into conversations about traveling and vacationing together. I never imagined a closeness like this with him for such a long period of time. It’s amazing how my feelings for him seemed like it turned into an unimaginable kind of love overnight. I love to talk, which is probably not hard to believe since I do all this writing. This guy is so easy to talk to. I don’t feel judged or ashamed when I’m talking to him either. We haven’t had that conversation about our feelings for each other which I think we both are avoiding. Not because what we feel is not real...but I think in reality it just really won’t work out between us. He’s striving to make it as an NFL player and I pray to God that happens for him.

But honestly y'all, I don’t see myself as an NFL girlfriend or wife. Lol, that is a job all by itself, which I think will take away some of my freedoms as my own individual. But he’s very special to me. In a perfect world I love him hard without any conditions. And just because somebody is a great person doesn’t mean you're supposed to fall in love with them or be in a relationship with them. Some great people are just meant to be your friend and that’s it. Our relationship is not that simple. Even now while he's playing his fifth year at another University, it’s tough for us to make time for one another. When I’m free, he’s busy; and when I’m busy, he’s free. It’s interesting. I’m supposed to visit him from November 1st -4th, he has a home game on the 3rd. I’m actually really excited about going, I’m just not sure if I’ll be honest with him. I’ll tell you how it goes. This guy has gotten me through some really long days. The thought of him sometimes brings a smile to my face or a laugh in my heart. He’s kind, he’s an amazing big brother, and most of all he’s deserving of the best kind of Love. I pray he gets everything he prays for. I hope he lives his life out loud and continues to be good to people. I pray he holds precious things close to his heart. I pray he finds perfect love in a woman, someone made just for him from God. I pray our friendship is forever and whatever moments we create or spend together, I hope we are present. If I could leave you with something, I leave you with this -  never shut love out of your lives, no matter how weird or frustrating it can be. Just BE. You never know what you’ve got until you have it. Love should be easy - challenging at moments, but easy. As amazing as this story begins, and trust me I’m leaving out a lot of good parts, it has come to an end. Not only did he not make it to the NFL, he ghosted me for two years. He called me the night he realized he wasn’t going to the league and as present in the moment as I was for him, that wasn’t enough. Was he embarrassed? Did he think I would only want to be friends with him if he was playing football? He had asked me to pray for him - did I utter the wrong words? For an entire year sadness grew in my heart and I understood exactly what “heartbreak” was. Heartbreak is the loss of someone you will never regain. Even today as I write this I am almost brought to tears. This guy and I, will probably never speak again or see each other again - but I am thankful forever for how FREE I felt being his friend. You should learn to exercise LOVE every time you get the urge to. It’s not about sex, or gifts, and dates - LOVE is certainty. Love just is, and it has no face and no age. I want to leave you with this - no matter where you go in life, be intentional about the company you keep and no matter the situation learn something new about yourself. This taught me a lot and now I get to share it with you! 

Love Malani